The working-parent culture gap: what your benefits data may be missing

An employer might offer generous parental leave, flexible working, enhanced family benefits and access to wellbeing support. On paper, they're doing everything right.

But what happens when a parent needs to leave early because their child is unwell? Or when they're struggling with something at home and aren't sure whether it's appropriate to mention it to their manager?

Even in organisations with excellent policies, parents can find themselves worrying about how their family responsibilities will be perceived.

Will asking for flexibility make me look less committed? Am I letting my colleagues down? Is it really okay to leave when everyone else is still working?

These are the everyday experiences that benefits data doesn't always capture.

And they're helping us understand something important about workplace wellbeing.

The difference between offering support and feeling supported

At Treasure Time, we've been researching what makes workplaces genuinely supportive for working parents.

One of the things that stands out is the gap between what managers believe and how confident they feel putting those beliefs into practice.

In our research, 93% of managers agreed that parental responsibilities should be protected, yet only 53% felt confident responding compassionately when caregiving responsibilities disrupted work.

This suggests that many managers genuinely want to support parents, but don't always feel equipped to navigate the practical decisions involved.

They might worry about fairness, setting precedents or how their decisions will be viewed by senior leadership. The grey area that often exists for a manager is whether they have the experience, wisdom or ability to make decisions in a way that is easy to justify. In many ways, there are no guardrails for how to make decisions in this area.

For parents, this can mean that flexibility feels like something they have to negotiate or justify every time they need it.

The policy exists, but the experience of using it can still feel uncertain.

And that uncertainty matters because feeling supported isn't simply about knowing that help is available. It's also about trusting that asking for help won't change how others see you.

We don't always understand what other people are carrying

Our research also highlighted a gap between parents and non-parents in their understanding of caring responsibilities.

Parents rated their understanding of the caregiving load at 5 out of 5, compared with 3.57 out of 5 among non-parents. Non-parents also reported relatively few opportunities to learn about these experiences.

This isn't about one group caring more than another. Much of what happens in family life is simply invisible to the people we work with.

A colleague might see someone leaving at 4.30pm without knowing that their day began at 5.30am, that they've spent their lunch break arranging childcare or that they'll be logging back on once their children are asleep.

Equally, parents might not see the additional pressures their colleagues are managing, whether that's caring for an elderly relative, covering work outside normal hours or dealing with difficulties in their own lives.

When these experiences remain invisible, it's harder to understand one another's needs.

This is why we think conversations between parents and non-parents are such an important part of creating supportive workplaces.

People need opportunities to understand what others are managing, discuss what feels fair and work out how to support one another without creating additional pressure elsewhere.

Why relationships matter more than we sometimes realise

As a Play Therapist, I've spent years working with children and families, and one of the things I've seen repeatedly is how much our relationships influence our wellbeing.

Children need to feel safe, understood and connected to the adults who care for them. When they experience that security, they're better supported to manage their emotions, develop confidence and become more independent.

It's the principle behind Treasure Time.

We help parents strengthen their relationships with their children through a simple weekly play ritual, supported by practical skills that help them listen, understand their child's behaviour and respond with greater confidence.

Sometimes the changes are quite small. A parent begins to understand why their child struggles with transitions. They learn to give their child more autonomy. They make regular time for connection without distractions.

But those changes can have a meaningful effect on family life.

A calmer morning can mean a parent arrives at work feeling less overwhelmed. A more settled evening can give everyone a better opportunity to rest. Feeling more confident about how to support a child can reduce some of the worry that parents carry throughout the day.

We often talk about employee wellbeing as though it begins when someone arrives at work. In reality, people bring the experiences of their wider lives with them.

And their relationships are a significant part of that.

How safe does it feel to be a parent at work?

There's an interesting connection between what we know about children's emotional security and what we understand about psychological safety in organisations.

When children feel secure in their relationships, they have more confidence to explore, try new things and make mistakes.

Adults also need to feel secure in their relationships, although those relationships work differently.

At work, that might mean feeling comfortable asking a question, disagreeing with a colleague, admitting a mistake or explaining that something happening at home is affecting you.

We've been exploring this through the idea of relational protection: the conditions that help people trust that their relationships can withstand their needs, boundaries and difficult conversations.

For working parents, this can be especially important.

It's one thing to know your organisation offers flexible working. It's another to feel confident that using it won't affect your reputation or opportunities.

It's one thing to have a supportive manager. It's another to know they'll still support you when your family responsibilities become inconvenient for the team.

And it's one thing for an organisation to say it values family life. It's another to see senior leaders openly making time for their own families.

These everyday experiences tell us a great deal about how safe and supported people really feel.

What could employers measure differently?

If we want to understand the experience of being a working parent, we need to look beyond which benefits are available and how frequently they're used.

We could also be asking:

• Do parents feel safe talking about their family responsibilities?
• Are parents and carers visible throughout the organisation, including in senior leadership?
• Do managers feel confident supporting employees when family needs conflict with work?
• Do parents and non-parents understand each other's experiences?
• Can employees set reasonable boundaries without worrying about how they'll be perceived?

These questions help us understand the culture surrounding the policies.

They also matter beyond working parents. Most of us will experience periods when our personal responsibilities affect what we can give to work, and we all benefit from relationships in which we feel understood and supported.

Bringing connection into the wellbeing conversation

At Treasure Time, we're interested in how stronger relationships at home can support children's wellbeing, parents' confidence and the wider experience of working life.

We're also exploring what employers can learn from the principles that help relationships thrive: consistency, trust, emotional safety, autonomy and time for genuine connection.

Our research is helping us understand the gap between the support organisations offer and how that support is experienced by the people who need it.

For employers, there's a real opportunity to look more closely at that gap.

Because having good family-friendly policies is important, but knowing whether people feel safe enough to use them tells you something much more meaningful about your culture.

And if we want to support the whole person at work, we need to recognise the importance of the relationships that matter to them outside it, too.

Treasure Time helps working parents strengthen their relationships with their children through a therapist-informed, six-week programme built around connection and child-led play.

We also work with employers to explore how family wellbeing, relational security and workplace culture influence one another.

Discover Treasure Time for employers

‍